Well, Duke, it’s happened. It used to be that we were on the cusp of innovation—the forefront of all things up-and-coming. I am, of course, talking about our regular national attention for positive social culture. However, at this point I am sad to say we’ve been surpassed. This past week, our Southern brethren in Texas have been making political power moves, combining the First and 14th Amendments with Betty Crocker’s guilty pleasures.

Recently, the Young Conservatives of Texas at the University of Texas at Austin threw an Affirmative Action Bake Sale. White people were offered cookies for $2.00 and black people paid only $0.75. Hispanics and other less-persecuted races paid $1.50 for their unfair-trade snacks. Native Americans paid only $0.25, and all women were offered a $0.25 discount. The sale’s purpose was to bring attention to the similarity between preferential pricing and unfair preferential treatment due to affirmative action policies. While local townspeople were compulsively outraged due to latent white guilt and higher cookie prices, I personally am still confused as to why Native Americans pay so much less than black people. Was the Trail of Tears that much worse than slavery?

Meanwhile I think this budding example of political activism is a step towards a much larger solution. If everyone received discounts based on racial and gender status, the economy would have changed for the better.

First off, the malt liquor industry’s profit margin would collapse upon itself due to a substantially skewed demographic of black thirsters. Hollister would lose a large sum of money from their East Coast Asian population of West Coast wannabees, but it would be balanced out by the large amount of white, middle school tweens who pay full price anyway, because using discounts is for poor people. Furthermore, companies such as Fubu—a fair-priced clothing brand targeted towards black people—will suffer such huge losses that they will be forced to sell their clothing in department stores like Kohl’s and Marshalls—a fate worse than death.

As racially targeted companies crumble into oblivion, only a select few businesses will remain profitable. Brooks Brothers and Sperry Top Sider will stay relatively stable with their product discounts, losing almost no money from their melanin-challenged consumers. Other companies such as Ugg and Polo will thrive and use such an economic transformation as an excuse to further increase their prices,
squeeze out the economically challenged and retain their image. Gotta keep the plebes down somehow.

A preferentially priced American economy would be just what we need to lift ourselves out of our economic slump. Once all the companies that cater to minorities have been undersold by their own customers into nothingness, only the exclusively white brands will survive. Once the rest of the world sees how classy and cultured Americans have become with our now master-race of companies, we will once again run the world while speaking softly and carrying a big stick, just like our forefathers did.

On the moral front, the bake sale has grown to a national media debate with people of all races adding their two centsor $0.015, if you’re Asian. Personally I am confused at this national outrage. Liberal parties have been pushing affirmative action for years, yet, as soon as the concept is applied to scrumptious treats, all hell breaks loose. If I was fortunate enough to be eligible for a bakery discount, I would use it and scurry away while choking down my shame with more brownies. These white Texan students are completely justified in blaming affirmative action for their lack of jobs or success. There is no need to attack these students for simply applying these progressive concepts to diabetes development.

If anything, these students are visionaries. Rather than cater to the one percent, they have chosen to deliver fresh baked joy to the subordinate populace, with a pre-portioned payment plan, out of the sheer goodness of their hearts. If we can all manage to look past the initial effrontery and see that a preferential-priced economy would do America best, we can stop fighting and bake our way to racial and gender equality, one snickerdoodle at a time.

Mean Boy is in favor of extending affirmative action discounts to other persecuted demographics, such as the Jews, Canadians and Nickelback fans.