Late last night, I attempted to text my friend something along the lines of “Let’s go to Shooters on Saturday, b****!”
Let’s be real here: It’s necessary to add these types of affectionate-yet-slightly-degrading-yet-fierce nickname qualifiers after any statement involving Shooters. It’s just the PC thing to do. This is Shooters II Saloon we’re talking about, people. It deserves our respect.
Yet somehow, this wasn’t coercive enough for my iPhone. I know—what could be more exciting than Saturday-night Shooters with my b*****s? Regardless, my iPhone decided to take matters into its own hands (or operating system). What showed on-screen was the much more effervescent and exhilarating “Let’s go to SHOOOTAHHZZZ on Saturday, BETCH!”
That’s right—my iPhone really did get the better of me that time. “SHOOOTAHHZZZ” is infinitely more exciting, forceful and animated than “Shooters.” It sounds a lot more like what I would say in real life, and it captures the spirit and essence of the institution. Like I said earlier, it’s Shooters II Saloon—“SHOOOTAHHZZZ” gives it the level of reverence it deserves.
Same with “BETCH”—which is just infinitely cooler and more accurate than “b****.” “Betch” allows for censoring the curse while still implying the paradox of privilege yet frivolousness the word (popularized by “BetchesLoveThis”) implies. Which is not to say we’re all betches. We just like Shooters. Or SHOOOTAHHZZZ.
You may argue that texting things like “Let’s go to SHOOOTAHHZZZ on Saturday, BETCH!” is stupid. It’s not proper English. It makes it seem like technology is getting the better of us, encouraging us to reduce our thought processes and subvert our language into mindless capitals and extended letter progressions.... That our conversations and interactions online have been reduced to expressing excitement with phrases like “OMG, LOLLERSK8ERZ!!!!!!!!!” Where we greet people with a “HAI GAISE!” Where we depart with a “BAII.” Where we express our affection for someone with a “RAHHVV YOUUU.” It all just sounds silly.
“Like a monkey with a keyboard”—that’s the phrase a friend used to describe our methods of texting, Facebook and G-Chatting.
But English is an ever-changing, evolving language. And technology is an ever-changing, evolving phenomenon. Simply put, the spoken and written word must constantly change to catch up to the great advances in technology that are made at seemingly every moment. Language, by its definition, is meant to evolve.
Technology is really changing at warp speed. Look at the iPhone 3G I used to text my SHOOOTAHHZZZ proposal: it’s an antique now. It doesn’t even have the element of respect an antique is given; like the ’90s, it appears to exist in a weird, liminal space between retro-cool and modern innovative excitement. For all you smart phone-less Neanderthals out there, you can get it on the Apple website for a big, fat, whopping zero dollars. The phone is value-less, if you don’t count data. And in comparison to the iPhone 4S, it looks and acts like a cheap piece of plastic—I don’t have a robot to do everything for me.
But even if I did, I would still maintain “SHOOOTAHHZZZ”-type lingo in texting conversations. Sometimes, these changes are what maintain our individuality and personality while these sweeping advancements are made. And maybe, one day—when robots can do almost everything for us—language may be the only way to retain our individuality. In this era of phones with 4G, with advancements like Siri to text and search and do everything for you, it’s important to attempt to communicate like real people. And what better way to express your personality than warp your language into “SHOOOTAHHZZZ” and “BETCH?” That kind of vernacular is a Duke student signature if there ever was one.
And so maybe “Let’s go to SHOOOTAHHZZZ on Saturday, BETCH!” is a way for us to show that technology has not gotten the better of us. Autocorrect recognized that I had written “Shooters” as “SHOOOTAHHZZZ” before, and wanted me to continue using the term and maintaining my individuality through warped language. And texting or chatting in this warped vernacular doesn’t make you stupid. It keeps you sane. It keeps you smart. It keeps you, well, you.
Have you ever noticed that your conversations via text and instant messaging with friends feel completely different from interactions in real life? It’s because they are. The paradox of distant immediacy and intimacy which texting and chatting bring make them far from real conversation. At worst, these mediums make for hopeless imitations. At best, you can make them a testament to your individuality and your relationship with the person with whom you communicate.
So take advantage of this. Call “Shooters” “SHOOOTAHHZZZ” in your texts to friends. If you have an iPhone, it’ll eventually make sure you do. And don’t be afraid to use those umpteen exclamation marks (!!!!!!!!!!!), MINDLESS ALLCAPS, abrvs, and extendedddd letterrrr progresssioonnnnnsssss. You’re changing the English language. Just like you’re supposed to!
Indu Ramesh is a Trinity junior. Her column runs every other Friday.
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