YouTube monologue artists are nothing new. The “Unforgivable” guy. Bo Burnham. The bespectacled runt kid who resembles Jim Carrey’s son in Liar, Liar and lip-synchs to “Like a G6.” They’re everywhere and they waste our collegiate time.
Dom Mazzetti is different. The mustachioed, jacked guido defines your college experience. He is the guy you want to be or be on top of. Repeat these quotes when you’re in the relevant situation. If you’re actually from Northern Jersey, you have a verisimilitude advantage.
Trying to look fresh for Shooters:
“Jersey Shore has GTL., Dom has DOM. Deadmau5, Ovaltine, Muay Thai.”
Last minute resume building:
“You have to put your GPA though. I have about a 4.0 plus. In addition to GPA, I like to add MPH. An estimation of how fast I can run. About 12 miles per hour.”
You have to make a spring break Facebook photo album:
“Facebooking is the most important part of vacation. I have a few possible titles for the photo album picked out. Popular songs like, ‘I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, singing a-yo…Galileo!’”
Getting dressed for LDOC:
“And it just so happens, my fitted matches my Forces. Excessive matching is next to godliness.”
Overcoming racial anxiety from high school:
“Hit up the dining hall, black cafeteria dude likes my Weezy scarf...He hooked up me up with extra butterfly shrimp. Winning.”
Impressing the hipster girl down the hall:
“I’m a dubstep freak because it speaks to my soul. Not because I’m some conformist. Dub equals freedom.”
Shopping for the internship:
“I got a sick accounting internship in NYC, you know I gotta dress like an adult now. I got my square-toed Bostonians from Burlington Coat Factory, pleated Dockers, double XL baby blue button-ups from Express.”
More at youtube.com/dommazzetti.
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