Tuesday, amid a cacophony of rancorous dissent and excited applause, President Richard Brodhead signed a contract with MTV for a new reality show, “The Real College Students of Duke University.”
After receiving searing criticism from faculty, students and alumni alike, Brodhead spoke out about his reasoning for instigating such a project: “With a deficit not yet managed by faculty attrition and budget cuts, we had to search for new, innovative ways to make up our debts. MTV is willing to pay us thousands of dollars per episode, allowing us to divert more money from the Durham campus to the Kunshan... err... I mean... allowing us to once again focus our efforts on making this campus the best place for students.”
Brodhead added that “though it is controversial, we are in the forefront of this innovation. Many of this country’s elite institutions will be following suit in the coming years. You’ll see.”
While innovation may not be the best word to describe such a drastic new plan, the Editorial Board recognizes the project’s potential.
With the show set to begin taping on LDOC, and encouragement from Brodhead’s now public twitter account (“Dickbro—Students, work less hard, play harder”), the campus is ripe for the Duke experience so many of us have sought.
“This is why I came to Duke,” spouted Sammy D as he drunkenly staggered to claim his LDOC bracelet, MTV video cameras in tow.
While receiving his bracelet, Sammy D’s long-time girlfriend appeared and threw a beer can in his face (the new equivalent of throwing wine), yelling, “How dare you sleep with my best friend without inviting me! You know the rules of our relationship! We’re SO on a break!”
Karen Owen, the show’s executive producer, was on hand to explain the project in further detail.
“We felt the media circus around Duke has been one of sex and scandal, not representing the real experience of students here,” Owen said. “This is a way for us to set the story straight in the public eye.”
We believe greater things will be in store for us as well. To boost ratings, we recommend that the West Union Building be renovated to become Shooters III, giving students quick, easy access to quick, easy classmates.
And if the rumblings are true, Pratt may undergo a complete makeover. We recommend it become the Pratt School of Fashion and Design, bringing a much needed influx of potential models and sassy students to an already overhyped campus. If this were to happen, the drama would be fiercer than a sorority common room minutes after the end of a frat party.
The incoming Cast of 2015 should look to enrich the show further. The admissions office should ensure that students from overrepresented areas such as New Jersey and Long Island make up an even greater percentage of new students.
Yet not every student is on board.
“Uh uh,” said sophomore Shannon Lieby. “I do not trust Brodhead. I mean, who does he think he is? God? No. That was completely uncalled for, given what he did.”
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke. Have a great LDOC!
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.