WINSTON SALEM - The state troopers weren't accepting fake press IDs, and the debate ticket-scalping scheme had fallen through, so the Grid Pickers took their fading idealism to the protest off Wake Forest's campus.

Ha "rold around the haystack on his" Guttman was pondering what to ask Shane Battier about his girlfriend for WXDU's next show when the massive papier-mâché heads of Al Gore and Dubya Bush loomed overhead.

"You must pay the rent!" the puppet bellowed.

"But... my parents pay my rent!" Guttman stuttered back in confusion.

Meanwhile, "Polyandry" a Bookman, Jaime "so like to jamboree" Levy were flirting with black-clad anarchists as Jenny Robinson "Crusoe" and Sa "raucous birthday fun" McGill danced around a circle and yelped gridpick smack into the night air.

"Far from" Norm "al" Bradley had smeared body paint over his pasty Irish complexion in an unsettling imitation of Marilyn Manson.

"Wah, wah, bitch, bitch, wah!" Norm bickered, trying to rally support for his tent policy.

Kevin Lloyd "y, loydy, my frat sucks" was intrigued by the marmalade stars he saw reflected in the troopers' black riot gear masks. "Dude," he said, looking for his toke, "this is so dude."

Andrew "Activist, anarchist and Green" field felt disturbed by Kevin's dubious smoking habits and angered by political campaigns bloodied by the dollars of Corporate America. "Bush and Gore make me want to Ralph!" Greenfield screamed at the two-headed beast puppets.

Craig "I'm tired of you politico Saps" erstein jeered at the activist do-gooders.

"George Bush devours children! Down with youthful idealism!" he croaked incoherently.

Steven "I" Wright "em, you don't read 'em" was more concerned with the small feathered food industry's long term planning.

"They're taking away my frozen barbequed breasts, next they'll try to steal my fried chicken and greasy Buffalo wings," he crooned.

Meanwhile, the nudist contingent prepared to bare it all for the secret service agents. "These guys have seen a lot worse in the Oval Office and on UNC's webpage-what's wrong with taking a quick peek at my third and fourth cheeks?" asked Barrett "I'm too sexxxy for my" Peterson.

Ray "vin' about myself" Holloman shivered in fear at the thought of Peterson's full frontal.

"That's like Friday the 13th and Halloween rolled all into one," Holloman said.

Brody "I'm" Green "daba dee daba die" wald started his own exclusive protest at Wake's south entrance for white, suburban, upper-class sportswriters.

"I'm here tonight to build a solid steel wall around this fine campus," said the Buchanan supporter. "Ain't none of them folk gettin' past me!"

Back at the East entrance, Greg "orian chantin' to the Krishnas" Pessin crafted a rich harmony of culture, spirituality and hashish incense over the demonstrators. "Hari Krishna, hari krishna, hari krishna hari...," said Pessin, waving his arms-just like in editboard.

Kevin "give voodoo economics a new" Lees "on life," explained "Libertarianism werkt 4 mee."

Jim "tear gas puts" Herr "on your chest" iott, was out to infiltrate the The Elected's gridpicks like a student for a free society at a Republican convention.

All the while, Regan "I look like like an S.S. dude in my Boss" Hsu "t" captured the spirit and color of the evening on film while holding a tattered piece of notebook paper scribbled with the words: "City/State editors suck."

"There're better ways to get your message across than writing about Durham," Hsu said.

  • By your mom, who contributes the most to our egotistical staff's morale.